Hallelujah!

You were a Bible thumper in high school and you're still a Bible thumper now. Please don't friend me. I love my life of sin.

Not BFF

I haven't seen or spoken to you in 10 years ever since I came to America. I'm sure that when we were kids, we used to be friends...but I truly don't remember who you are. Please don't friend me, because I don't remember you anymore. Sorry.

Witness Protection Program?

What happens when you are 'friended' by people that are potentially still friends with your ex? An ex whom you had a particularly messy break up with? It's quite an uncomfortable situation.


Accepting them as a friend on the exception that they're not close with the ex is a little crazy. Not accepting them to ensure distance from the ex is selfish.

What do you do?

So family reunions are quiet?

My facebook friend request happens to be the son of a lady my uncle had an affair with! His two youngest brothers are my uncle's kids and I have no effin clue if he knows or not. Talk about awkward when he asks when can we meet up to catch up. How about NEVER!!!!!!

Pants on Fire

We were actually quite close for a while. You did some lovely things for me: you moved in when my boyfriend moved out, making it possible for me to stay in my house, which I wouldn't have been able to afford to keep renting on my own. You gave me rides to school. You listened when I needed to talk. In return I listened to you, too; I got you a job at my workplace when you needed one; I helped you study. It was a good friendship.

Until... I started to discover the lies. That guy you said you were dating? He barely knew you. That bill payment you said you would drop off for me? Never made it to the bank. Those welfare cheques you were receiving? Obtained fraudulently. Your parents were supporting you, yet you still felt entitled to more.

You lied to professors to get better grades. You lied to our fellow volunteers and left our organization in the lurch. You lied to my other friends about my habits and past. You were charming, pretty, kind and articulate, and so enough people believed you, enough of the time.

When I cut you out of my life, I told you exactly why I was doing so. I couldn't understand the purpose of these lies. Some of them were to gain money or prestige, but so many of them were about nothing at all. You'd lie about what you had for breakfast or what you saw on television the night before. I didn't know you, and I couldn't trust you.

A decade later, you friended me, and I have no idea why. And if you tried to tell me, I wouldn't believe you.

Tell Your story

Do you have a story of an awkward social network?

Go ahead, share. pleasedontfriendme@gmail.com

Submission are, as always, confidential

Whoever has the most meaningless friends when they die - WINS!

The majority of my extended family lives in another state, so although we're friendly, we're not exactly close. When a cousin sent a Friend Request, I explained that although I'm not a member of Facebook I'd love to hear how he's doing. I then wrote a couple of paragraphs detailing some interesting things I'd been doing and asked some leading questions to prime the pump for a decent reply. I never heard back from him. When I did finally open an account I noticed that he had over nine hundred friends. Evidently this was less about catching up in any meaningful way than in stuffing the ballot box for some sort of popularity contest.